


The Name You Can Say (Is Not the Real Name)

by GayRlyehian



Category: She-Ra and the Princesses of Power (2018)
Genre: Angst, Complicated Relationships, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Not sure what archive warning to apply, Other, Past Abuse, Post-Season/Series 05 Finale, Some Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2020-08-31
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:20:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,827
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26219260
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GayRlyehian/pseuds/GayRlyehian
Summary: Adora dropped her gaze to the floor, searching for the right thing to say. Putting feelings into words was never her strong suit, but emotions as complex as these felt almost un-utterable. Shadow Weaver was both mother-figure and commanding officer, a constant in Adora and Catra’s formative years. Perhaps it was appropriate then, that hers was one of the first faces either of them knew, and it was forever hidden behind a mask.
Relationships: Adora/Catra (She-Ra)
Comments: 6
Kudos: 35





	The Name You Can Say (Is Not the Real Name)

“Y’know, even if the beds here are basically cushy sinkholes that swallow you whole, I kinda like having more than one pillow, I gotta admit.” Catra gave Adora a toothy grin as she jumped into their shared bed, head plopping onto a couple of pillows. She stretched, luxuriating on top of the cozy purple covers, her eyes closing with satisfied smugness.   
  
Adora smirked, but her eyes were soft. She liked seeing Catra carefree and comfortable. It wasn’t until recently that they could be so relaxed around each other. “My -- _our_ bed isn’t a sinkhole.” She flopped down on the mattress next to Catra, who cracked an eye open to look sidelong at her. 

“Yea, yea, good job Adora,” Catra drawled, teasing, “You heroically saved us from sleeping on the floor -- hey!” Catra squirmed as Adora’s hands mussed through her hair good-naturedly. 

“This is what you get!” Adora laughed, letting out an inelegant snort when Catra pushed at her cheek half-heartedly. 

Catra grinned, her eyes lighting up with amusement at Adora’s unintentional snort, “You’re such a dork.” The hand she’d been pushing on Adora’s cheek with moved to cup her jaw gently instead. 

Adora’s hands paused in Catra’s hair, and her smile warmed, “You like it.” Her thumbs stroked at the backs of Catra’s ears, and she felt the rumble of a purr beginning in Catra’s chest. Instead of replying, Catra closed her eyes contentedly, leaning into Adora’s touch. Even after everything they’d done for each other, it still seemed unbelievable to Adora that she could have her like this, that Catra wanted her, too. The warmth in her chest felt full to bursting, painful almost. She let the feeling wash over her, reveled in it. There was no reason not to anymore. 

Adora smiled, watching as Catra sank further into the pillow. “I’m really glad you’re getting comfortable here. I was worried after everything…” She trailed off. Catra’s eyes cracked open to look sleepily at Adora, ears perking toward her attentively. Adora sighed, her hands pausing in Catra’s hair, brow furrowing slightly, “Worried you wouldn’t feel safe here.” 

Catra scoffed affectionately,“You? Worried? I’m _shocked_ .” At Adora’s eyeroll, Catra’s tail slapped her side. “Seriously Adora, it’s like you’re forgetting that we just won a war against a literal galactic _empire_ that we easily could’ve lost at any point. Bright Moon is… familiar, compared with Prime’s ship.” Her expression was playful, but Adora could see the guardedness behind her gaze. 

“That’s not what I mean, Catra, you know that.” Adora’s gaze dropped, eyes flickering with somber memory. She understood why Catra was avoiding the actual question, Adora herself wasn’t ready to get into the difficult, complex work of discussing their past and making amends, and she hadn’t even caused the bulk of the damage. Catra had finally begun to let go of her anger and let herself be vulnerable. Trying to rush her to work through her issues and make amends wouldn’t do anyone any favors. 

“Sorry,” Adora sighed, not wanting to ruin the mood, “I don’t… I mean, I _want_ you to be comfortable here- ” 

She was silenced by Catra’s forehead firmly bumping into her own. “Adora, it’s okay.” Catra started, her tail laying itself over Adora’s waist, “I know that I… still have a lot of work to do, I get that switching sides and helping you guys doesn’t just erase everything I did.” Her eyes flicked to the side, ears drooping slightly. She paused, looking thoughtful, but visibly pushed herself to continue. 

“I’m not avoiding responsibility here,” Catra’s gaze pointedly returned to meet Adora’s, “I _promise_.” 

Adora’s heart tugged at the word, at the soft look Catra gave her when she said it. “I just need time. But, and this might seem kinda crazy,” the edge of playfulness entered Catra’s tone again, “I think we deserve a break after _saving the universe_ from an evil cult and freeing Etheria’s magic. We should take advantage of the fact that we get to just... be together now, without some terrifying threat looming over our heads.” 

Adora returned Catra’s fond smirk with a warm smile. “You’re right.” She moved to press a lingering kiss to Catra’s forehead, smiling harder when she heard an increasingly loud purr. 

Catra curled into Adora, burrowing her face under the other girl’s chin. “Glad you can see that.” Catra replied, voice soft and sleep-tinged. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  


Brightmoon settled into near complete silence at night, especially so from within its dense, noise-dampening walls. The guards moved soundlessly through the halls outside each chamber. Muted sounds of moving water from the decorative waterfall in the next room were all that broke it. 

Although the thick blanket of quiet had sometimes made restful sleep impossible for Adora in the past, she found it all too easy to fall asleep to Catra’s languid purring. 

Her dreamscape was filled only with the eternal glow of brilliant stars finally restored, cosmic lights dancing across the heavens in ineffable colors. Etheria amongst them, shining and bold, and so very alive. She hovered for a long time through the space, watched the luminous streak of a comet’s tail as it advanced rapidly towards her-

Until she was startled awake by the panicked writhing of her bedmate in her arms. 

Adora inhaled sharply, “Catra?” 

The other girl sobbed, her elbow clipping the underside of Adora’s jaw as she twisted around. With a grunt, Adora took Catra firmly by the shoulders, “Catra wake up! You’re okay, you’re safe! You’re here. I’ve got you.”   
  
At this, Catra froze, breathing a shuddering exhale over Adora’s neck. A long, silent moment stretched on, Catra forcing herself to breathe deeply, slow her heart rate. Adora’s grip on her shoulders loosened gently, her hands sliding around to rub soothing circles into the other girl’s back as she whispered reassurances. 

As she felt the tension slowly ease out of Catra, Adora battled with herself over whether or not to ask what the dream was about. She wasn’t sure Catra would broach the topic even if she _did_ want to talk about it. A lot had happened to transform their relationship, from their time as cadets in the Horde to the Rebellion’s victory over Horde Prime, and they were both doing their best to be better to one another. It was easier, now that they had an understanding of where they stood. But there were some things neither of them were quite ready to discuss. 

As if reading Adora’s mind, Catra began, “It … it was about Shadow Weaver.” Her voice shook a little, but had clarity to it. Even so, she hadn’t pulled her head away from its place tucked beneath Adora’s chin, and her fingers clenched tightly into the fabric of Adora’s shirt. Her claws carefully avoided poking the other girl’s skin, but probably punctured a few holes through Adora’s sleep shirt.   
  
“Oh…” Breathed Adora, brow furrowing with concern. Not good news, but she was strangely relieved it was something she could relate to. “What happened?” 

A breath. Two.

“We were in those tunnels on our way to the failsafe,” Catra started, tensing up again, “fighting that _thing_ . The one that poisoned you. With all the… face tentacles.”   
  
A chill shot through Adora’s spine, cold grasping at her stomach. “I remember,” she forced the words out, her side pulsing with phantom pain. The image of Weaver’s broken mask laid out on the broken concrete flashed through her mind. 

“And… it just -- it all happened again. Shadow Weaver came and took my place.” Catra sniffed, forcefully stifling another sob, “Why couldn’t she just -- She’s _‘proud’_ of me now?! Why did she have to say that?” Adora’s heart tugged painfully and she pulled Catra closer. “I know she saved us then, I know, but -- where was _that_ all our lives?!” Catra growled tearfully as her fingers curled harder into Adora’s shirt. 

Adora felt a lump form in her throat. “I know.” Tears welled at the corners of her eyes. She swallowed, pushed the feelings down, “I know.” 

Catra hissed through her teeth, pained and angry, “And where did she get the _nerve_ to say ‘you’re welcome’ like that? For what? One more trauma to add to the towering heap of abuse over the years?!” She sat up, one hand tightly grasping her hair at the scalp, “She _never_ protected us before! What makes her think she can go out with _that_ instead of an _apology_?” 

Adora was silent for a moment, sniffling as she sat up beside Catra. She wanted to say something, she just wasn’t sure what yet. Instead, she placed a comforting hand on Catra’s back. Tail curling around Adora’s wrist, Catra’s hands slowly descended to rest in her lap. She turned them palm-up and gazed at them with haunted gold and blue. 

“I don’t know what to do with this, Adora,” Catra shuddered, her voice tight. “It isn’t fair. We shouldn’t _have_ to feel this way. Not for her.” Her hands clenched into fists, nails biting her palms. 

At those words, Adora’s heart stuttered. Her mind raced with memories of her battles with Catra before Horde Prime, of the ways Adora had been betrayed by her, her friends deeply hurt by her, of her helplessness in the face of emotions she wished could’ve been resolved through whatever love was left between them. But she hadn’t been lying when she told Catra she never hated her. Adora was unable to, and she blamed herself for not doing better by Catra to begin with. Shadow Weaver… was less forgivable, and yet…   
  
Over the years since her defection from the Horde, Adora had come to learn that despite how hard she may fight to be in control of what happened around her, of her own ability to _always_ make the right choice, there were forces constantly shackling her ability to. Like the propaganda fed to her by Shadow Weaver that the Horde was a heroic liberation force, a falsehood she’d believed wholeheartedly. Like the dark Light Hope had kept her in about Mara, about the callous greed of the First Ones. Like the secret of her ancestry. Like Catra standing above her in the Crystal Castle, looking down with such sad, strange contempt before she cut Adora loose and let her drop into a dark pit. Like the gnarled, tangling, hopeless vines of Beast Island twisting around her. 

Adora could transform into a godlike warrior with power enough to crush enemies of the Rebellion, power she hadn’t understood, but what good was it when she couldn’t even convince Catra to take her hand?   
  
The power to change things often felt utterly beyond her grasp. Her past, her origin, the fate created for her before she’d been born had shaped Adora in ways she hadn’t even realized. Adora never had complete control over who she became. Not her, not Catra. 

And not Shadow Weaver. 

Yet, Adora had shattered the sword and defied the corrupt will of the First Ones. She did the right thing whenever she had the ability to choose to do so. But Adora knew that she was lucky, still, to have become the sort of person who would _naturally_ choose to do good. Lucky for the support of caring friends to help keep her head on her shoulders, remind her she was valued, to pick her up when she fell down. Catra hadn’t been quite so fortunate, and Shadow Weaver… well, who knew what _her_ deal was. 

Adora shook her head slightly, returning to the present. Reaching to cover Catra’s fist with a gentle hand, Adora waited for her to turn and meet her gaze. With difficulty, Catra looked to her, eyes tired. “You can’t control how you feel, Catra. It’s okay to accept that.” Adora squeezed Catra’s fist tenderly, eyes red-rimmed. 

Catra’s eyes welled again, “I… I know, Adora, I just-” She growled, took a harsh breath, “I _hate_ this! Sacrificing herself for us doesn’t just make everything she did disappear!” She looked at Adora again, eyes angry and pleading, “You understand that, Adora -- don’t you?” 

“Of course I do, Catra!” Adora clenched her teeth, “She made us believe we were worthless unless we did what she wanted, and she hated what we were to each other.” 

Her own words from the past echoed in Adora’s chest, _You_ ruin _people! You ruin any chance they could ever be happy!_ And a surge of white-hot anger with them. The satisfaction she’d felt at the shaken look in Weaver’s eyes when she said them. 

“She almost destroyed us both. I _never_ forgave her for any of it. I don’t know if I ever will.” Adora’s gaze broke away from Catra’s, and she took a moment to gather herself. Catra shifted closer, her tail wrapping loosely around Adora’s back. She opened her fist, turning it over in Adora’s hand and tangling their fingers together. Adora could feel Catra’s eyes on her as she gave her palm a firm squeeze. 

“But…” sighing deeply, Adora dropped her gaze to the floor, searching for the right thing to say. Putting feelings into words was never her strong suit, but emotions as complex as these felt almost un-utterable. Shadow Weaver was both mother-figure and commanding officer, a constant in Adora and Catra’s formative years. Perhaps it was appropriate then, that hers was one of the first faces either of them knew, and it was forever hidden behind a mask. 

Adora thought again of the chamber near the Heart, tinted with the sickly green of Horde Prime, her vision clouded with the corruption spreading from her wound. The hideous monstrosity that was the First Ones’ security system faced off with Shadow Weaver, whose red-cloaked back and narrow shoulders had never looked so feeble, yet powerful, at once. The only thing Adora had ever understood about her was that she was someone who hurt people for the sake of self-interest. But for the first time, Weaver took off her mask as she turned to them, told them to save Etheria, and smiled as she bid them farewell. 

_You’re welcome._

Arrogant and condescending to the end, even as she saved their lives by relinquishing her own. 

“I think we’re being unfair to _ourselves_ by trying to dismiss our grief.” Adora’s brow knit, her hands clenching. “We _should_ be angry after everything, but Shadow Weaver…” Adora’s gaze fell, “I mean, she’s gone now. And she left us with all the pain she caused instead of facing us… but we’re alive because of it. We get to move on together. She doesn’t _get_ another chance.”

After a pause, Adora turned her head back to look at Catra, “ I guess what I’m saying is that I don’t see anything wrong with feeling sad over that.” Catra’s hand squeezed Adora’s palm again, her eyes wistful, understanding. Adora’s mouth twitched into the slightest smile, and she softly brushed her thumb over the back of Catra’s hand. “I can’t help thinking maybe she could have been better, one day.”

At that, Catra looked away. Her tail unwound itself from Adora’s back, but she didn’t let go of her hand. For a long time, Catra sat that way and Adora sat beside her. She looked exhausted, but her tail flicked slowly back and forth contemplatively. Only the sounds from the waterfall in the next room broke the silence.

Back in the chamber on the way to the Heart, Catra seemed resolved before she even arrived to give up her life to help Adora. She had always been staunchly against Adora’s constant self-sacrifice, but in the end she came back anyway. Maybe she did it because it was the only thing Adora asked for, a rare expression of her actual desires. Maybe she didn’t want to keep living in a world Adora had died for. But regardless of reason, Catra returned to Adora when she needed her most. 

And because of that grim resolve, Catra looked beyond shocked when Shadow Weaver burst in, forcefully taking her place. Futilely, Catra had bashed her fists on Weaver’s barrier, _Stop it, it’s gonna kill you!_

Weaver looked back at them, straining against the monster, voice shaken, _It’s too late for me. But you? It’s only the beginning for you._

_I’m so proud of you, Catra._

Adora couldn’t even begin to imagine how Catra’d felt, hearing such praise after Shadow Weaver cruelly withheld it in favor of scorn for so many years. 

But something else bothered Adora. The resignation. 

_It’s too late for me._

Finally, Catra let out a long sigh, breaking Adora from her thoughts. Turning to meet her gaze, Catra smiled sadly at her.

“Seems like she disagreed.”

The words struck Adora speechless for a moment, but soon enough she was tearfully returning Catra’s smile. “Yea. you’re right.” 

Catra’s smile dropped at Adora’s reply, and she immediately wrapped her arms around the other girl’s waist, putting her face into the crook of her neck. Adora’s arms came up to wrap tightly around Catra’s back, returning the embrace with equal force.

**Author's Note:**

> Took me a long time to finish this, some of the content hits a little too close to home for me. 
> 
> School's starting up again soon, but I plan on writing a multi-chap fantasy AU next. SPOP hasn't gotten enough love from me just yet. 
> 
> Thanks for reading!


End file.
